More humour from Mother’s NT connections..

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab,
things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,
he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his wife.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier,
but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well,
I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For the kids. 1. What keeps a dock floating above water?

Pier pressure.

2. Why didn’t the sailors play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

3. Why are fast yachts like furniture stores?

Both always seem to have a sail on.

4. Which sailors blow their noses most often?

The Anchor Chiefs.

5. If something ever happened onboard where the water supply had to be shut off I’ll give
you two reasons why you shouldn’t drink the water that’s left in the toilet.

#1 and #2.

6. Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?

Don’t worry, it’s a quick one liner.

7. I got my wife tickets to go on a cruise.

It’s no Titanic, but I’m optimistic.

8. Breaking news: Passengers trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for 4 days.

On the bright side, it’s kind of what they paid for

9. What does one ocean say to the other when they meet?

Nothing, they just waved.

10. A boat carrying red paint crashes into a boat carrying blue paint.
Unfortunately, the passengers and crew were marooned.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a cruise ship that’s sinking
The rabbi yells, “save the kids!”
Followed by the lawyer who responds,
“nah, fuck the kids”
the priest looks at them both and quietly says,

“do you think we have time?”