Some funnies from the Top End : thanks for these, Mother..

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Ged-offa’-me)
was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.

In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing,
the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event,
Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

“Oh! Limp Pricks!” Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”.
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During a physical examination last , the Darwin doctor asked the CH3er about his physical activity level.
Answer:
He described a typical day “Well, yesterday afternoon,”
“ I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers”.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” he replied “I’m just a shit golfer”.

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A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s foo ae coo’s shite an pish!”
The golfer replies “My Good fellow, I’m from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?”
The keeper replies “I said, use two hands – you’ll spill less that way!”

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New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’
Replied the widow,
‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

‘Watch that wall!’
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It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
“Mc. Tavish, Scotland,” he says, “Discus,” and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
“Waddington-Smythe, England,” he says, “Pole vault,” and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
“O’Malley, Ireland,” he says, “Fencing.”
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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied

LOL! On-on